Tennessee

While driving my dad around to do some last minute Christmas shopping...

Me:  That car in front of us left his gas cap off.  See it?

Curtis:  Huh...Yep.  Well no wonder, they're from Tennessee  

Me:  What does that mean?

Curtis:  Well they're from up in them hills.

Me:  Its a Lexis, dad. 

Curtis:  He probably stole it.

Me:  I didn't realize you had such prejudice against people from Tennessee. 

Curtis:  he he he.

All I want for Christmas...

Got this voice mail from Curtis:

"Hi baby this is dad. This is nothing important. But I was gonna tell you, for Christmas I'd like to have a....lightweight housecoat.  You know, like a flannel...or somethin' like that.  But it's...it's a lightweight one.  And um, the size is large.  And it don't have to be expensive, it don't have to be nothin' - just a regular ol' housecoat'll be fine....  OK, I just wanted to tell you, 'for I forgot it - I forgot it ten times. But if you run on to one, well that's what I want.  I love you.  I don't need any perfume this year.  hehe.  Take care.  You don't have to call back.  Bye-bye."

Falling Babies

Preface:  Jack is my pug.   Jason is my brother. 

Me:  Do you know that spot jack sleeps on the couch?

Curtis: On the corner there?

Me:  Yeah.  He was asleep and rolled off and fell to the floor.  Scared me to death.  I thought he was dead.

Curtis:  Was he?

Me:  Well no, dad.  I think he was still dreaming when he hit the floor. I ran over to check on him and he acted like I was waking him up.

Curtis:  You gotta get used to that.  It happens with kids too.

Me:  What??

Curtis:  Jason used to do that.  He used to fall out of his bed.  That's why I taught him to crawl out of his baby bed,

Me:  Really?

Curtis:  Oh yeah.  One time your mother started hollerin' about him.  I ran in there and he was on the floor asleep.  He'd fallen out.  I said, "Just leave him there, he looks alright. Put the blanket on him." 
Well she wouldn't have it... so I told her I'd just take him to bed with us.  She didn't like that either so he had to go back in his own bed.  I told her she had to put the rails up.

Me:  This is a sad story.  Babies falling out of their beds...its not right.

Curtis:  It just happens.  Kids roll around all crazy. 

Me:  Good to know.

Thanksgiving dishes

After I did the cooking on Thanksgiving, I got to watch my niece and Curtis wash the china my grandmother gave me. She was washing and he was drying...

Curtis:  There's something wrong with these plates.

Michelle:  I know. They look alike but they're different depths.

Curtis:  I can't figure out what's goin' on here.

(She and I continue to chat across the open bar area for a few minutes and then...)

Curtis:  I've figured out what's goin' on with these plates.  Some are made by Sheffields...and some are made in SIR Link-a.

Me:  ....... You mean Sri Lanka?

Michelle and I:  hahahaha...

Curtis:  Wherever.

Me:  Can you find "Sir Link-a" on a map?

Curtis:  Theres lots of places that I don't know where they're at.  

Just throw it all in...

Me:  What are you doing?

Curtis:  Well, I'm trying to untangle this sheet from the mop head.  I washed it with my tennis shoes earlier and everything got tangled together.  

Me:  Wait a second.  You're telling me you washed a sheet, your tennis shoes and a mop head all in one load?

Curtis:  I do it all the time.

Me:  It sounds like a mess.

Curtis:  Well it is.  You should see this mop head, it just knots up somthin' awful.  Does this every time.  I think I might need to let it air dry.

Me:  You think?

King Snake

Curtis:  This cats been comin' around a lot, maybe the King Snake will get him finally.

Me:  What King Snake?

Curtis:  The one that lives in the garage.

Me:  Where? 

Curtis:  Well I think he lives in that old piano (pronounced pi-ana)

Me:  For how long?

Curtis:  Oh I don't know....at least 6 years or so.

Me:  6 years???  You mean I've been walking around in that garage with a snake running loose?

Curtis:  I almost tripped over him a couple of times.  He's pretty big.

Me:  Dad, you should tell people about it before they go in your garage.

Curtis:  A snake is not exactly something you want to disclose, Lesley.  People kindly get freaked out.

Fat? Bats?

On the phone with Curtis tonight I mentioned that my pug, Beans, was looking fat.

Curtis:  Bats?

Me:  No, fat.  Beans is fat.

Curtis:  We should set you up a little bat coop.

Me:  Why would I want bats?

Curtis:  Well they eat the mosquitoes.

Me:  Isn't there something else that will eat them besides bats?  Like frogs?

Curtis:  Well frogs will eat them if you've got light. 

Me:  I just think I'd rather have mosquitoes than bats.

Curtis:  Mosquitoes carry worse diseases than bats.

Me:  What about rabies?  Don't bats carry rabies?

Curtis:  If you get bit by one, you can get rabies.

Me:  Is there something worse than rabies that a mosquito can give you?

Curtis:  Beans gest a rabies vaccine so no need to worry about him getting bit by a bat.

Me:  I just have to worry about him being fat instead?

Curtis:  Guess so.

Me:  I feel like we just had a very circular conversation...

Curtis:  hehehe...

Lotto

Me:  The lotto is over $200 million

Curtis:  That's almost big enough to justify playing. 

Me:  What would you do with all that money?

Curtis:  I'd spend it on wine, women and song. 

Me:  What??

Curtis:  I might even find a painted lady. But I may be too old for the painted ladies. 

Me:  Believe me dad, if you had $200 million, the painted ladies wouldn't care about your age. 

Curtis:  he he he. You've got that right. 

Snack Time

Curtis:  You want some watermelon?

Me: (making disgusted face) No

Curtis:  What's the matter?  You don't like watermelon?

Me:  No. I never have. 

Curtis:  There's somethin' wrong with you. 

Happy 4th of July

As Curtis and I sat on the back porch of his home in Mineola, enjoying a glass of tea and a snack, I noticed an egg sitting on the table.

Me:  What's the deal with that egg?

Curtis:  Well it's gone bad. 

Me: So what are you doing with it?

Curtis:  I had two, but I threw one at the cat. 

Me: I'm pretty sure that's animal cruelty. 

Curtis:  Good God, Lesley!  I didn't try to hit her.  I just like messin with her. 

Me:  So it's only bad if you hit her?

Curtis:  Leave my cat alone. 

Me:  What about that egg?

Curtis:  Leave my egg along too. Ill give it to the opossum if it makes you feel better. 

Me:  Thanks Dad. 

On Racoons...

"Some are like pets and some just want to eat everything in sight.
You have to kind of figure out which ones are which."

The Mouse

Me:  What are you doing?

Curtis:  I'm at Tom Thumb buyin' a mouse trap.  I got a mouse in the house.

Me:  How do you know?

Curtis:  He ate my bread.  
            He didn't just eat a whole slice.  Just the corners.  I just bought that loaf. 
            It was a 1.67 on sale.  Pretty good lookin' bread.
            So I said, I'm gettin' a mouse trap TODAY.

Me:  You sound bitter.

Curtis:  I'm layin' for him tonight.  He shouldn't have messed with my bread.

Where do babies come from?

I clearly remember this conversation because I was horrified at the answer.  I was approximately 4 or 5 years old.

Me:  Where do babies come from?

Curtis:  Hm... Well, I don't know where other babies come from but I know where you came from.

Me:  Where?

Curtis:   I'll tell ya.  First, I got a bowl.  A big mixing bowl.  Then, I put in a lot of stuff -  freckles, green eyes and blonde hair.  Some sugar and spice too.  Then, I steered it up real good and put you in the oven and baked you up.

Me (Horrified at the thought of the hot oven):  WHAT?!?  The OVEN?!

Curtis:  Yep.

At this point my face falls and bottom lip starts trembling.

Curtis:  What's wrong, baby girl?

Me:  Daddy...you...you... baked me!

Curtis laughed so hard he cried.   

"Squeaky"

Curtis:  What's goin' on?

Me:  Well, we have some baby squirrels in our storage building in the back yard.

Curtis:  Oh really?  Baby squirrels are kinda fun.  We used to have some as pets. 

Me:  You did?

Curtis:  Oh yeah.  I was pretty little.  I'd say 5 or so.  One day, Carol Don, said he was climbin' up this Oak tree to get some baby squirrels 'cause the mama was gone.  You know, its West Texas, so the Oak trees aren't very big out there.  Well, Carol Don climbed on up there. He reached into that nest and that mama squirrel chomped down on his finger. Hehehe.  Like to took his finger off.  He jumped and fell outta that tree with the squirrel still on his finger.  I mean, she wouldn't let go!  Garland finally pulled out his pocket knife and cut its head off. They still had to pry the squirrels teeth off Carol Don's finger.  Like to scared me to death!

Me:  Wait a minute...you're telling me that squirrel was latched on so tight, your brother was able to grab it and cut its head off?

Curtis:  All the boys carried pocket knives back then.  They were sharp too.

Me:  That's horrific, dad.  Poor squirrel.

Curtis (unfazed by horrific mama squirrel death):  Anyway, after Garland cut its head off, Carol Don climbed back up and got the babies. There were 5 or 6 of them because I remember we each had a squirrel. We fed them pecans and milk. We had real cows milk back then so they grew fast. All of them ran off except for Garland's squirrel, "Squeaky."  He'd stay in the house with Mama while we went to school.  He liked to sit up on the top of the cabinets.  We'd leave him outside and in a little while he'd show up at the back door. He loved Garland. He'd follow him around everywhere.

Me:  He obviously wasn't holding a grudge against Garland for cutting his mom's head off.

Curtis: They're squirrels!  They don't know a damn thing.

Me:  What'd you call yours?

Curtis:  I don't know, "Spot" or something stupid like that. They turn into wild squirrels when they get older. You gotta get them when they're little little.

Me:  That's kind of a messed up story, Dad.

Curtis, Well, like I say, they're kinda fun.

Lonesome Dove

Curtis had a mild stroke a couple of weeks ago. I was concerned this might have caused some damage to his brain. I lost my concerns the other night when I asked him about the plot line of Lonesome Dove. We were in the midst of watching a spinoff called Return to Lonesome Dove when I asked:
"So what's the original about?"

Curtis:  "Well this one fella, he's hidin' from the law. Cause he accidentally shot this man. He came from Arkansas. Turns out that fella he shot was the Mayor of that town. There's this one woman - she's pregnant with this baby by her husband - but he got kicked by a horse and went into some kind of coma - he finally dies so she's headed Ogallala, Nebraska to find this one guy she really wants, Dee Boot."

Me:  "I'm sorry, what?  His name is Dee Boot?"

Curtis (Like nothing is strange about the name Dee Boot):  "Yeah.  So, anyway, she hooks up with these two guys who kindly protect her. One is a big ol' boy. He says 'I'm gone marry her' a lot. He's not real bright. Ha ha ha.

Anyway, Robert Duvall is in love with this whore and they come across this fella. I can't figure anything out about him except he likes killin'. That fella kills some people and steals Robert Duvall's girl. Then he tries to trade her to these Indians. There's a really good shoot out but then that killer guy slips off and stabs almost everybody. I mean he stabs almost EVERYBODY.  Then he's gone. Well you know, Robert Duvall and them have to bury those folks before they can go anywhere..."

At this point he stops the story because of some action on the TV. 
"Watch this," he says, "its a really good part.  My favorite scene."

I turn my attention to the TV where I see Barbara Hershey flirt with some guy.  They're talking about how they could fall in love with each other.  Lots of smiling and laughing is going on when all of a sudden an ambush happens.  Barbara Hershey gets shot, the guy she was flirting with gets shot 3 or 4 times.  One of the children gets shot in the leg. Another man and Native American woman are shot dead.  Barbara Hershey's potential love didn't die from the 4 bullet wounds, but instead rallies to protect her and go after the bad guy.  He kisses her while she's passed out then rides off on his horse and is ultimately mowed down.  Barbara and the kids live, but barely.

Me:  That's your favorite scene?

Curtis:  Yeah.  What?

Me:  I mean, they're all like, happy, about to fall in love, moving to a new land, full of hope.  Then they're just gunned down, barely able to defend themselves.

Curtis:  It was hard times in those days.

Me:  Hard times?  I'd say that getting shot up is more than just hard times dad.  I think I'm depressed now.

Curtis:  Don't be so dramatic.  It was rough country.  You had to be tough back then.  You need to toughen up.

He the proceeded to tell me the remainder of the original Lonesome Dove story (which took a good 20 minutes), breaking down into a fit of laughter when he recounted the part about Gus refusing to have his leg cut off because he might want to "kick a pig" sometime.  I think his memory's still good.

Dinner time

Me: What are you doing?

Curtis: Well, I'm eatin' a cracker.

Me: Just one?

Curtis: I had some spaghetti tonight.

Me: With a cracker?

Curtis (getting impatient): No, I had the spaghetti first and now I'm having a cracker. I can only do one thing at a time around here.

Valentine's Day

Curtis drove over from Fort Worth to make sure I got the card below for Valentine's Day...

Curtis:  I had the damnest time with that card.

Me:  What do you mean?

Curtis:  Well, I bought it.  Then I set it down somewhere and couldn't find it for the longest time.  I finally figured out I threw it away.

Me:  You threw my card away??

Curtis:  Yep.  I said, you know, I bet that damn things in the trash.  Sure enough, there it was.

On Angelina Jolie

While watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith...

Curtis:  You know, she's pretty smart.

Me:  I don't know.  I think she's crazy.  She used to do all this crazy shit with Billy Bob and then she made out with her brother on the red carpet.

Curtis:  Oh really?  Hm.

Me:  Yeah.  Plus I'm not keen on her breaking up Jennifer Aniston's marriage.

Curtis:  Well that's just Hollywood.  You have to be crazy to be in Hollywood anyway.

Me:  Don't worry Dad.  Lots of men find her attractive.

Curtis:  Oh I don't think she's attractive.  I wouldn't call her stunning or anything.  She looks alright in this movie.  That other movie I have, The Tourist, she looks terrible in that.  Not attractive at all.

Poor Christina Aguilera

Curtis:  I got some movies recorded if you want to watch them.  I have this one.  With Cher.  She runs this night club.

Me:  Burlesque?

Curtis:  Yeah.  That's it.  The only reason I recorded it is for that one song Cher sings.  She can sing, I tell you what.  That other girl is not bad, but she's no Cher.

Cable Guy

Me:  What have you been doing?

Curtis:  Well I've been fightin' with the cable guy all day.

Me:  Why's that?

Curtis:  Well he came out here and told me he couldn't put the satellite up because the trees might grow and block it.

Me:  Are the trees blocking it now?

Curtis:  Hell no.  We went back and forth on it.  Finally I said, "Listen fella, you're not in the business of installing cable, you're in the business of excuse makin'."

Happy Birthday

This conversation took place on September 5, 2012:

Curtis:  Happy birthday!  32 years.  I can't believe it.

Me:  I'm 33 dad.

Curtis 33!  God Almighty!  Are you sure??  I could have swore it was 32.

Me:  Well I was born in '79 so the math works out to 33.

Curtis:  Hm.  Well how old is Mark?

Me:  Mark is 16 years older than me so he will be 49 this year in November.

Curtis:  ..............How did I get kids that are so old?

Me:  You're 71.  That's how.

Curtis:  Oh.  Well.  I guess you're right.  Damn........
           

Curtis on Working Out

Curtis:  The problem is I like to go to the gym in the morning but they only have someone down there in the afternoons.

Me:  Well, what do you have going on in the afternoons?

Curtis:  Nothing.

Dog Grooming

Curtis: What you got goin' on tonight?

Me: Well, we need to cut Jack's nails.

Curtis: You know what you outta do? You need to build a hill outside made of rocks. That way he can climb up and down it to trim his own nails naturally.

Where to begin?

My dad and I have LOTS of conversations.  I talk to him almost every day.  I guess I should start with one of our typical episodes.

Right now he is in the process of remodeling a house I lived in during law school.  Keep in mind he is 71 years old and has been through 2 heart surgeries and various hospital stays since he was 65.  Yet, somehow he manages to keep going.  He refuses to hire workers, insisting that he has "nothing for them to do yet." So I have been volunteering to help him the last few weekends.  I want this house on the market and sold.  (Did I mention he has ended up hospitalized twice while working on this project?) As a reader of this blog you should also keep in mind Curtis is selectively deaf.  I think he hears what he wants to hear.  He says, "huh?" a lot.

We tore up some of the carpet last weekend and the rest on Saturday.  Sunday I went over to paint...

Curtis:  Who are you supposed to be with that bandana on your head?

Me:  I'm your painter for the day.

Curtis:  You look like the syrup lady.

Me:  Aunt Jemima?  I was going more for Tupac.

Curtis:  I only got you 1 pack of rollers.  It shouldn't take 2.

Me (Loudly):  No dad, Tupac, the rapper.

Curtis:  Rapper?  What are you talking about?  Did you come here to paint or what?

Me:  Nevermind.